Me: I need to be less distracted during my evenings, and stop wasting my time on entertainment. I have enough hours, theoretically, to improve… but I always while them away doing shit all. I need a plan, I’ll track my hours wasted tonight and see where I’m really fucking up.
*two hours into TV, PS4 shuts off and refuses to turn back on*
Me: Loki, no!!
So at the moment I’ve got two squirrel feet and a tail in my freezer, and I am trying to decide how to talk with the crows I’m feeding (unrelated, they dont like squirrel) over the colder months… as they have a call for me but i do not have one for them.
I think if i can have a few simple terms it will work well.
Food – as in i have food for you
Gone – as in the food is all gone now
Here – as in the food is right here how can you not see that
Wait – as in i do not have food on me right now but if you stay there ill be back with it in 5 mins.
Possibly something also for hello.
I dont really want the embarrassment/attention drawing of making crow calls in the middle of the park, or talking to the crows with human words… but if i am going to keep being spotted picking up corpses, people will give me funny looks and start to recognise me anyways.
I was then found a cracked badger skull missing most of it teeth, by people who had read about the jays. (The jays still aren’t finished, but it is a learning process, and nothing as yet stinks bad).
Then later the next day in the same sort of area, I found myself a fox skull with pretty much all of its teeth. If the fox cleans up well I am thinking of putting it on the (not)altar after maybes arting it a bit.
Both of them are currently in a peroxide bath to sterilize (I hope) and we will see what happens with them.
Whilst I don’t believe that either of the animals need their bones anymore, and their meat has already returned to the earth and the creepy wiggly things at the bottom of the food chain, I still think the form itself should be respected… here is a reminder of a thing that was once wild and free, a thing that is not human, a thing that lived between the cracks in our tyranny. Not of us, but of the world we constantly destroy in our malice and obliviousness, something real, and for that, worthy of respect.
Also, one of those people said I smile like I am in on the joke…
I was wondering where and how people found small dead animals, because I wanted a few small bones for crafts.
I found a shrew about 10 mins later, but talked myself out of picking it up.
Then over the next day or two I was thinking about buying some ready cleaned small bones and maybes a bird skull to make things with instead.
I then found two jays on my walk home. One with a crushed skull, one with an intact skull…
I wussed out at first.
Then I went back at twilight and picked them up. Took their wings and their feet and the intact skull. They are now in a salt bath till I have time to clean them tomorrow… there are just enough bones for the thing I want to do with them… like a special delivery. They were just close enough to home for me to go back and pick up.
I feel like I have been given the materials for another lesson in being myself.
With Love x
I spoke on the phone to my Mom, who was, by and by, irritating and illogical. But I blathered on to her about my business plans in retaliation, and she said she believed that I was sincerely trying to make this work. I told her I can’t forward business plans until I have money. It’s going to cost me a chunk of cash to take each step forwards.
I said that no matter what shitty horrible job I end up with, I have hope because I have plans, and I am going to save some money each week to go towards the business (in my brain this was a tenner). It was like an oath.
As soon as I put the phone down, I got a job offer. Someone dropped out of the temp role I had just missed out on the first time. I am a life saver for being available tomorrow and replying super quickly. It is £10 an hour.
Can’t help but feel like someone was listening, and they are calling my bluff.
Times are still really tough at the moment.
Last night I howled myself to sleep like a packless wolf. Full of despair.
And Loki appeared in my dreams, like a sunbright sky, and sent his warmth into the cracked and broken parts of me. Told me I was not alone, and that I can shine. But so subtly in my slumber that the message did not come through until I opened my eyes and awoke. Which in and of itself may as well be another part of the same message.
Its hard, and I am not healthy, but I am doing well by trying, and by caring, and in my defiance of the weight of the ocean above me.
and so i take the first few shaky steps forwards, out of the ashes…