I… have a problem starting things. Its like there is a bottle neck on what I can do, right at the beginning and I don’t have enough momentum to break through it. I have around me a tonne of unfinished projects, half ideas, things waiting to become, worlds waiting to be born. And they languor there in note pads and sketch books and piles of scrap leather and beautiful untouched fabric. Part of the problem is coming up against the bottleneck and finding that I don’t have the skills or tools or I can’t understand how to do the bit I am doing, and part of it is not wanting to start something, to cut into the beautiful fabric, because I will get to that bottleneck and then ruin it all.
There is a saying about eggs and omelettes… and about fear of trying.
I am not sure what mental mechanics bring me here. I am trying my best to break out of this and finish things, no matter how frustrating and impossible things get in the middle. I am 30 and for less than a year, roughly the same amount of time that Loki has been mentoring me, I have been attempting to re-train myself out of all of the things ingrained in me that are wasteful or untrue. I can easily accomplish things, and with perseverance I can do them well… its just getting to that point that I flounder on. The mind is a complex thing, and I guess there are many strings that need cut or untangled before something caught is freed.
Part of the point of this blog was also a self push, I didn’t think about it much, but I guess its to dedicate myself to an aim, without stopping, ignoring the bottleneck altogether. So my writing is not the best, but no one will see it (cept somehow a tiny handful of random people in the internet aether have, and this bewilders and amuses me, hello strangers), and I get some sort of psychological philosophical theological (all of the ‘icals) exercise out of this, and I hope somehow I will little by little steer myself right.
At the moment, I am trying to make a cloak for LARP. This is my immediate project and it has a deadline of next week. My character is undead, so I had all sorts of fantastical plans for how to age an weather and fray the cloak so it looks the part. But I didn’t buy enough material. I can’t afford to buy more. The material does not fray the way I had hoped. The material is resisting the dye I need to turn it the appropriate colour. The sewing machine isn’t working so I will have to hand sew it all….
But I am determined that its going to be a damned good cloak all the same.
In closing… the other night I had a dream. There was a small old house beneath some tall dark cliffs, that loomed above and looked like they might tumble over at any moment. A cheery man was there, he said he needed some stones from the top of the cliffs for a ritual to protect the house. I said I would get them, as I would be staying in the house for some time. He turned to me, and using my full first name, which is only ever used formally in waking, and nothing ever addresses me in dreams, asked if I was going to climb up there and get them.
I realised it was impossible for me as I was, and something would need to change.
And this will become my offering.