Part of this, is improving myself. Well, that isn’t really the truth. It is becoming myself, scraping the mud off the bits buried or stunted by the outside world.
This means making things, instead of sitting crippled infront of a tv show. It means finding a way to exercise and de-stress, maybes a quiet clean pool somewhere, if such a thing exists within budget. It means answering the impulsive curiosities, doing the thing with the branch outside and whatever is to hand to turn it into some other thing. It means taking care of and nourishing spirit and body alike.
This means going outside. Changing things. Swapping bad for better.
Eventually, I will be uncrumpled, and back to near enough the person I would have grown into if the world in general had left me alone to be myself.
So when I spend a night wrapped in duvets and fear that nothing will ever get better and I will always be working some crap job or another that expects me to put my life and my health last… and in the morning I am poked with a ‘Draw me something.’ I take it seriously. I might stumble, I might stop believing that I can. I might agonise over how the hell to make the beard look right for three days in what is honestly a very simple drawing with simple skills… but I will try, because I am an asshole if I do not. (and I possibly will get my butt kicked) And no matter how whiny broken I get I will not give up.
If I spend the next week without sleeping properly, going back to that picture and putting down just a few more likes will make me smile. It is like trying to move a muscle again after the blood supply has been cut or long paralysis. I cannot get anywhere with what I can do right now, but I can maybes gently guide myself to some state where I can.
Something similar happened long ago, and I am not certain it was not also at the direction of a certain influence… but I ended up resuscitating dead parts of me, going on tiny adventures, stoking the embers, and now I have a small pile of tiny flames amongst self made kindling.
And it is so much warmer.