Today, a friend came to visit.
My closer friends, the ones who are old and true, the ones I have spoken to about more than just whatever was going on at the time, these I do not get to see much. They live far and wide and it is only just recently I have become within visiting distance of one of them.
In the past I have often seesawed between lonely and self isolated, wanting to interact with people but knowing that I needed interaction more genuine than the fads and gossip immediately around me. I am a long way distant from that past, I no longer get so lonely and I cannot isolate myself and nor do I need to, but there is still nothing better than talking to these people.
Today I got a quick lunch break visit from one. They passively mentioned a problem they were having. That they say were telling me, because I was the only person they could physically bring themselves to talk to about it.
I don’t like that they are are having a problem, but I am very glad that they spoke to me about it. It meant they were looking for a way to begin fixing it, looking for support and no longer ignoring or sidestepping it. I first scolded them for not taking better care of my friend (themselves), then made them a sammich, and then thought over how I had developed as a person who has managed to overcome some issues of my own since I had met them. I spoke in general terms about how I had learned to be this person, since Loki has been mentor, but without reference. I spoke about how part of their problem, was choosing to continue to have the problem, and that change would be difficult, most likely suck, and the benefits wouldn’t even be immediate, may not show until years later.
They thought about this. They are honest with themselves, but they are scared to look too closely, as it is painful to them.
Some of the benefits that arise from crap from my past is being able to say something better than the isolating ‘I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to help.’ I still don’t, but each person knows how best to help themselves. When you are lost you do not sit in place and hope a map appears, you walk in what you hope is the right direction, and the further you travel the more you will know what the right direction is. It helps immensely to have support and advice of people, they can guide you and keep you out of some pitfalls, but they are not going to the same place as you.
Until you move, lost is your destination.
I now need to go and take care of their good friend (myself), which I had been avoiding doing, as I am scared. I need to see a doctor and it will be horrifically embarrassing and frightening. In the end I may need cut open. I may need to be incapacitated in hospital and tube fed. I may have to rely on the financial support of my partner during this time as I would not be able to work. Or it may just be a case of the fear and embarrassment followed by strict instructions on how to avoid having to be cut open. I do not know, but I have to face up to it.
With Love, Saelyxdreaming.