It has been about two years, probably, since I first said hello to Loki. As ridiculous as it sounds, I did this at a Larp game, where I played a character who was very much representative of my old self fleeing from the past. I spoke alone and cold and sodden, in a shadowy tent in a storm. This weekend I went to the event approximately two years on from that, playing a character who is perhaps in some respects a little more like the present me. I have had no more long talks in tents in storms, but I keep as well as I can in my mind, my words and intents. (haha)
So… here comes a deluge of words and thoughts with nothing much to do with the above: I had a few interesting interactions this weekend, amongst being signed off work for stress, and playing a beardy wizard, I have been surprised and also very much not surprised by interactions with a handful of people…
One laughed at me, scoffed and snerked, letting me know she had been ridiculing me in private before hand with others. Butting in to my interactions with others because she either needed to be worshiped or needed to bring low those who do not lick her feet upon meeting.
Others, false friends from beforetimes, largely ignored me, and I them. No need to maintain alliances of convenience if it is no longer convenient for them to do so.
One made it known she loved me and missed my presence. I did not get much time with her. I am sad I live far from her now. I mean to visit, she is almost family.
One cried on my shoulder, wreaked with poison from the past. Trying to emerge from an old and jagged shell of hurt into their new being. Getting there slowly, struggling as I once did, as I still do. I did not know how to help, aside from to sit and speak words which I hoped would promote healing. I was thanked for this, I do not believe I am worthy of that thanks.
Another I grew closer to, I believe he is one of Loki’s. He has come from somewhere unpleasant, and has overcome huge parts of this, but shows the marks of that ugliness clearly for everyone to see. Easy to turn away from, easy to count out. I have noticed many small things in what he has said almost unheard, or expecting no one to really hear, that make me believe that he is a decent person. For him I did nothing more than ask if I can listen, and convince him to have some more patience with the game I have met him at. That patience would benefit me also. I am interested in knowing his mind, and his part in the game makes my own greatly more fun.
A run of interesting coincidences point me towards a rune of transition and connection, life force, battle with the self, learning, and the burdens of others. The interpretation I follow seems apt at this time. Last night I drempt someone telling me that I had taken hold of someones hand and forgotten to let go, had been holding with them for two or three days in support and had not noticed. It could be significant of any number of things this weekend, or all number of things.
Having come from where I did a few years back, I feel I have grown more involved (in tiny ways, in my immediate surroundings) in helping and accepting people, and less patient for those who will not, or only want to feed on people and push them down. Oddly, the further I get from the mind view of the religion I was raised into, the more easily I seem to find myself enacting some of its values. I believe that most faiths have universal values, but promote them in differing languages through differing world views. Like a group of people arguing over which character is their favorite in a story, whilst ignoring the fact that everyone is here for the story itself.
I am also becoming stronger within myself, by becoming more of who I am. The more truthful I am in my being the more solid I become. This is not about loudly proclaiming myself, as I am not a loud person… but about not shrinking back from, or being contravened in myself, not letting outside influences steer me away from my truths.
In other spheres, I still often feel weak emotionally and mentally. I am tired and damaged and nervous. But I have room to admit to that. I can be those things. I have hands to pull me back up and encouragement to shelter in when I need to. It isn’t something I have to ignore as an irrelevance any longer. I find it easier to take care of myself when surrounded by love, or indeed see when I am wandering off to blackened paths. I no longer feel like I am wandering the cold road alone, or have to withstand the hail. And that is a huge thing.
Lastly, I have not gotten much further in terms of finding a means to support myself financially which will not distress and damage me. That was one of the things I wished to resolve two years ago, and one I have still made no further progress on. I find myself lost without map or markers, and every path I can hack my way through leads to uncertainty. As I am signed off for a few more days, this is something I need to focus upon.