One of the worst people for me taught me one of the most important things about relationships.
One person cannot be your everything, every person will connect with you in different ways, you will value different things about them. One will not be above the other, all will be unique.
I am sad that others cannot understand this. That one person being the unique and solitary source of anything for another person is the road to ruin. It is like a pond that does not flow, and so stagnates.
No one owns your mind, your body, your soul. No whispered words could ever sell that away to one person or another, and yet many make the mistake of thinking they own the deeds to your being. And further, that any interaction outside of themselves on the things they own of you is you somehow stealing yourself from them.
I have a tangled heart. I have those I love, and those I love, and those I love. Some are just a deep level of comfort and trust of another, some are a wish for intimacy, which does not have to be sex, but is often ruled out on the basis that culturally only those having sex are allowed press their minds together, some people I’d hurt myself to protect. Some people eclipse more than one category.
Some people, I just want to explore their bodies. and enjoy my sexuality before its end.
None of these things are evil or wrong, or disgusting.
Betraying someones trust, IS. Being careless with their heart, IS. Being dishonest, IS.
In order not to hurt others who are dear to me, I remain silent and inactive. I pursue nothing. I lock myself away like stones. Like banishing potential blades into a safe vault. Where waiting questions can only quietly nick my skin. The potential of my life seeps away, to ensure that no tears fall from those I love on my part whilst I remain. But with it my promises to myself are broken, and part of myself flows away.