I am still putting one foot infront of the other, but it feels more like a crawl than a walk.
My current job is literally killing me. I walked out of the ridiculous negligence part way through shift on monday after being pushed entirely past my limit, when my limit wasn’t regularly breaking down in tears in the toilets, when my limit wasn’t having to call in sick for stress so much that I couldn’t afford to make rent, when my limit wasn’t when I was sat with a fucking knife in my hand in the kitchen wishing such a tool could actually help. I have to go back tomorrow and I don’t know how I am going to do it. I don’t know if I will. I will basically sign my own death warrant. I will be fired or I will hand in my resignation before I have another job and I won’t be able to afford to eat.
The other job I have prospectively got, leaves me much worse off financially, is much harder, more stressful and so much further away…. but people who can hack it and are of the right mindset and mettle seem to like it there.
But I can’t afford it. And I am useless under pressure because of the damage of my current job. I can’t even take pretend pressure in LARP as another person. I can’t even take the pressure of sitting in a dark place with a script and take may own time translating because that is too much for my broken brain to look at and see anything that isn’t beyond my reach.
I don’t know wtf I am going to do. I am at a dangerous crux. I am going to fall horribly and my arms will be broken.
I can’t even enjoy things at the moment. I can’t draw. I spent two days with a drawing project in mind, very simple thing, and could not even begin to start. Its like the soul has been withered and petrified and scraped out of me.
I am still trying to see this as a time of change, and opportunity to cut away the useless things, to reforge my strength in fire, to learn worthy lessons and make everything better in the end…. but I am very close to quickly heading to bad places I can’t get out of. And I look back and realise I’ve always been teetering on the edge of them, and have always been blindsidedly optimistic about my ability to smile.