Since I started this path, I have begun to be aware that I am getting the things that I have wanted for a while. Mundane, run of the mill things I thought I would never have…
A good job, a relationship I could believe in, ordinary wants that somehow suddenly fell into my hands…
I got a stable loving relationship, with someone who would never really betray me. Something that wouldn’t end with boredom or anger, or a lazy meh.*
*that didn’t work out, and ended rather dramatically, but we are still friends.
I have now gotten myself an offer for a job in a good company with a good reputation that takes care of its employees and is a great base for a proper career that I can develop and eventually fund some travel dreams from.*
*I don’t think this will work out. I don’t think my abilities are up to the job, but I can’t afford to listen to self doubt at the moment. I can only deal with the consequences of not listening. I have no choice but to take the job. If this fucks up, it will also end dramatically, possibly with me again being on the verge of homelessness.
Hooray for opportunity!
But what I wanted was what I thought I should want. What I would accept after believing the world truly had no place in it for me and my ways and my heart.
And with those two things past or in my grasp well-lit, I can see only the other two shadows flickering and silhouetted not by the small mundane constricted hearth fire, but by a vast inner blaze … a completely different type of job, because despite the simple idealist dreams, this upcoming one is not good for me. And the desire for a deeper connection to a particular persons love, for they reckon me. And for these I think I might burn the world.