Providence

I was wondering where and how people found small dead animals, because I wanted a few small bones for crafts.

I found a shrew about 10 mins later, but talked myself out of picking it up.

Then over the next day or two I was thinking about buying some ready cleaned small bones and maybes a bird skull to make things with instead.

I then found two jays on my walk home. One with a crushed skull, one with an intact skull…

I wussed out at first.

Then I went back at twilight and picked them up. Took their wings and their feet and the intact skull. They are now in a salt bath till I have time to clean them tomorrow… there are just enough bones for the thing I want to do with them… like a special delivery. They were just close enough to home for me to go back and pick up.

I feel like I have been given the materials for another lesson in being myself.

With Love x

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Eavesdropping

I spoke on the phone to my Mom, who was, by and by, irritating and illogical. But I blathered on to her about my business plans in retaliation, and she said she believed that I was sincerely trying to make this work. I told her I can’t forward business plans until I have money. It’s going to cost me a chunk of cash to take each step forwards.

I said that no matter what shitty horrible job I end up with, I have hope because I have plans, and I am going to save some money each week to go towards the business (in my brain this was a tenner). It was like an oath.

As soon as I put the phone down, I got a job offer. Someone dropped out of the temp role I had just missed out on the first time. I am a life saver for being available tomorrow and replying super quickly. It is £10 an hour.

Can’t help but feel like someone was listening, and they are calling my bluff.

 

Slylent Night

Times are still really tough at the moment.

Last night I howled myself to sleep like a packless wolf. Full of despair.

And Loki appeared in my dreams, like a sunbright sky, and sent his warmth into the cracked and broken parts of me. Told me I was not alone, and that I can shine. But so subtly in my slumber that the message did not come through until I opened my eyes and awoke. Which in and of itself may as well be another part of the same message.

Its hard, and I am not healthy, but I am doing well by trying, and by caring, and in my defiance of the weight of the ocean above me.

 

Movement

So, I’ve done a thing. Its the sort of thing that has the ability to change my life in some way.

It may mean that I get to be entirely my own boss and my own responsibility. Or it may mean I have to work less hours for other people.

It may be that I get to dress like a loon, take to the streets, and scare the villagers.

In fact, I think my first venture will be at the village hall, in an unofficial official capacity… pedaling wares.

By this time next year (laugh and ill laugh along with you) I want this to be real.

and solid.

 

and i would not have gotten up and started walking again, if it wasnt for Loki. and i know he wont show me the easy path, because that wont do me any good.

Hunger

I am starting to feel hungry.

I am starting to want to DO things, want to learn things, want to explore things. It sits inside me like an impatient, somewhat pleasant, somewhat uncomfortable gnawing.

It asks me why I am wasting time waiting for things… for money to come in, for the end of the day and the start of my free time…

It whispers to me of many possibilities, dreams, and creations.

A soft glow on the horizon promising a beacon fire.

I don’t know what I will have time to do, because I know this lease of life energy is bestowed upon me by the temporary store bought neurotransmitters, and that soon I will have to divest my mind of them and wander back into the near gloom. And things are not easy right now, and I don’t believe they ever will be, but the brightness and the colour are back, like they were when I was a child, so long long ago.

Has it really been that long since my true self was last free of gossamere sorrow?