So now comes a time of changes and facing up to things.
Not that I shouldn’t be doing that anyway…. but I keep getting a bit lax.
Maybe I am coming to the squeeze in the tunnel.
I will be starting a new job soon, it is big, and it is scary and adult. It is nothing like the nihilistic insanity of my current job… no responsibility and getting shat upon either way… it is personal accountability for fucking up everyone else’s month.
I also spoke about some things to a friend, things that have been bothering me a lot for a loooong while now. Things that part made me think I was going crazy. And that friend confirmed that they in some small slight part suspected the same thing, but also have no idea wtf, just like me. When everything is coded and the words are such like cleave you don’t know if you are supposed to stick close or sever the link. And misinterpretation is fatal to highly important things either way.
I have been meaning to talk directly to the person that involves, but their current circumstances prevent me from doing that without endangering their happiness, and I’d never fucking do that. So I am stuck carrying that stone around in my shoe until either I lose horribly, or I watch their happiness crumble and have to negotiate the waves.
I am also trying to be supportive of my ex, as he believes he is going to fuck up his new relationship. I am very happy for him, and I don’t want him to think with the unhealthy part of his brain from the girl before me, but being told A wont happen by evidence of A having happened before does not work out well. She is super pretty, and talented, and a lot of things I am not and will never be.
In fact I am seeing a lot of girls who are more stable and attractive and have their lives together. They are also much nicer people. It is beginning to make me feel bad. …I am doing kinda ok with the depression at the moment, and getting the new job may hopefully help with part of that… but I do not want to meet anyone who reminds me why I am alone right now.
and everything was fine. and it was just like
old times. and we all smiled and laughed so
much. and i felt warm inside. and was given a
hug to say i love you, and i knew it was true.
and i am so sad that it will be forever again
until i feel the same.
Fires upon the road are a welcome relief. They provide comfort, nourishment, safety.
They cut back at the blackest of night and save lives.
But no matter how much their use is praised, people always move on from campfires. They are not part of people’s continuing journey, only a tool upon it, and they are left behind.
Stinging, choking, obscuring…
is a result of waste.
That which the fire is unable to consume because the fuel is not pure enough and the fire is not hot enough.
I am getting a lot of smoke in my life, I need purer fuel and a hotter flame.
Every time you break it, it is broken.
Since I started this path, I have begun to be aware that I am getting the things that I have wanted for a while. Mundane, run of the mill things I thought I would never have…
A good job, a relationship I could believe in, ordinary wants that somehow suddenly fell into my hands…
I got a stable loving relationship, with someone who would never really betray me. Something that wouldn’t end with boredom or anger, or a lazy meh.*
*that didn’t work out, and ended rather dramatically, but we are still friends.
I have now gotten myself an offer for a job in a good company with a good reputation that takes care of its employees and is a great base for a proper career that I can develop and eventually fund some travel dreams from.*
*I don’t think this will work out. I don’t think my abilities are up to the job, but I can’t afford to listen to self doubt at the moment. I can only deal with the consequences of not listening. I have no choice but to take the job. If this fucks up, it will also end dramatically, possibly with me again being on the verge of homelessness.
Hooray for opportunity!
But what I wanted was what I thought I should want. What I would accept after believing the world truly had no place in it for me and my ways and my heart.
And with those two things past or in my grasp well-lit, I can see only the other two shadows flickering and silhouetted not by the small mundane constricted hearth fire, but by a vast inner blaze … a completely different type of job, because despite the simple idealist dreams, this upcoming one is not good for me. And the desire for a deeper connection to a particular persons love, for they reckon me. And for these I think I might burn the world.
I wish I could go back to the old goth club under the railway arches. Walk in and be lost in the warm gloom of the smoke machine and deep satin melencholy of the music. Greeted by colours that do not sear the eye and passive faces uninterested in judgement. Just to dance, or drink quietly alone with no awkwardness.
It was a place of peace and belonging, a home of a sorts.
I could do with that strange serenity tonight.
But time is passed.